Whinging

Normally I try to keep my game face on, keep the Mask up of being cheerful, pleasant, whatever it is my friends need me to be. Please, don't be annoyed that I can't do it today.

I am in PAIN. Lots and lots of pain. My back has been giving me no end of trouble since around Thanksgiving 2006. It's getting worse and worse, all the time. I can't sleep. I can stand up, but not for long, and often not without help. Sitting's not so bad, so long as I assume the correct posture. It's even starting to affect school: last semester I think adrenalin kept me going through the school day. But now, not so much. At the end of speech class on Tuesday, it took me five minutes just to get from my seat to the door. Thank God I was the last one out; nobody saw.

I've been to the doctor. I got Vicodin, and an admonishment to lose some weight. Hated the Vicodins, and only take them when I'm absolutely at my wit's end, and must get some sleep. The weight loss makes good sense, but isn't easy (yes, I AM trying).

I know there are people who live their entire lives in constant pain. My father, God rest his soul, was one of them. They live in pain, and still manage to be cheerful, normal people. Apparently I'm not that strong.

It's really starting to get me down. I'm depressed, I'm testy. I have managed to insult and/or piss off at least three people in the past week, out of bad temper and exhaustion. I had an extra explanation this week (I've had some sort of nasty stomach virus, AND my car went wonky, AND I had midterms). But that isn't an excuse, and I wish i hadn't done it.

I would give anything in this world to be able to sleep through the night, just one night.